The Note
The Note by Jaspal Pahal
At my old school North Hills, I had two really good friends named Eliza and Andrew. These two helped me with just about everything, they helped me with school quizzes and homework, talked me through problems at home, and even helped me out when I was harshly bullied just because I was a little short. During the day before the last day of school and my last year before I go to Benicia Middle School, I was pumped. We were going to Discovery Kingdom (theme park in Vallejo)! As the teacher was explaining what not to do, Eliza walked up to me. At first I thought she just wanted to say hi, but instead she gave me a heartwarming smile and gave me a note. After she left I opened it up and read it. The note talked about how she was going to miss me and a couple of other things, but this note to me was special, it was a note from a great friend who would truly miss me. Now every time I see that very note, I feel so depressed that I sometimes I even cry. I cry for one of the only friends I have ever had who truly cared for me. I sometimes wish when I see that note that I could rewind time and spend those last few moments with the greatest friend I have ever had.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:03 am
How sad! Eliza’s note. I like how you focus on that note. However …after that entire pieces, I have no idea who Eliza is or what she looks like. More details will help your readers experience that day, who you were with… the North Hills setting? Or did she hand you the note at Discovery Kingdom? Be sure to break this into paragraphs!
September 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Mr. Reed is right, it does make it seem like a romance cliffhanger. I’m sorry I gotta say the truth.
It is a good story, but i would recommend adding in metaphors and allusions to what the note said.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Jaspaul,I thought that was interesting. I felt the emmotions maybe even some you weren’t feeling. It was sad and funny, it made me want to cry.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Continued.
I thought that it was sad that you had to leave your best friend. I think that it is sad the only thing you have to remember them by is just a note. It was a well written story and I would like to hear more of your past.
February 12th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
this is a great story. im sorry about your loss of your friend eliza. how sad.
.